Debbie Downer

I'm in a slump. I have been for the past couple weeks. A big fatty slump...but not in a "I hate Korea and can't wait to come back to Auuumerica and chomp down on some burritos" way. No, it's more of a "Wow, I feel like a crappy teacher" slump, which breeds negativity into my life outside of school.

I think it's just going to take me a while to adjust to my new schedule. When I came back from break I had three more classes added to my work load, one of which is THE class from hell. Try as I may, I will never be able to explain what teaching this class is like. These kids are constantly yelling, saying things to me in Korean (probably calling me an "ugly horse" like they did their last teacher) with hatred in their eyes, hitting each other, hitting me, walking out of the room without asking, fighting during games, refusing to play games, and throwing the teaching materials. I've had the ringleader of the group get so angry at me that he spazzed out and started banging his head and fists against the desk (think exorcist). How do you control a class like that? I've talked to my director and the Korean teacher that I share the class with, and they've scolded the kids for their behavior. It's helped a little. At least I'm not turning my back to them, shakily writing on the board with tears in my eyes as they laugh and make fun of me. I know they are just kids, and I try my hardest to always remember that. I feel like it's my fault for not being able to discipline them without them hating me or for not keeping them entertained the whole time. It's hard to feel like a stellar teacher when they start sighing loudly when I walk in the room, disappointed that it's me, and not the Korean teacher.

Maybe it's just intensives (when the kids are on break from public school and they double up at their private schools), because all of my classes have been a little out of control. I constantly struggle with discipline. I don't know how to effectively use it, and when I do, I feel like I shouldn't have. In one of my older classes, I made a boy write his sentences again because he had too many mistakes, which resulted in him yelling "shit" and "fuck" loudly. I sent a yellow slip home to his parents saying that he said "very bad words" during class. The Korean teacher I share the class with said that she didn't think he understood that those words were bad, so now I'm questioning if I should have even called attention to it.

I try and tell myself that at least I care. At least I try to think of creative games and activities for the kids...but it just seems like all my attempts keep getting dumped on. The other day I spent my entire break making up a new game for my kids, only to be told it was "not interesting" (by the same boy who "shit" and "fuck"). I've gotten slips of paper during class from my director letting me know that the parents are watching me (there are cameras installed in each classroom so they can watch online), and I had to pick up an extra class because of reasons I don't want to go into for the sake of sounding like a debbie downer (as if I'm not already).

Teaching's hard, man. I just need to get out of this slump. I need to let things roll off my back, and not let one class affect my mood for the rest of the day, and cause me to come home and eat oranges compulsively. Seriously, I went through a bag of 20 in less than 24 hours.

In other news, the Lunar New Year is quickly approaching. I get a 5 day holiday. Bliss. I had thoughts of going to Taiwan, but have decided to keep it local. I think Emma and I are going to do an overnight temple stay and monk it up for a couple days. I could use some quiet time for self reflection. Other than that, I'm going to spend my break reading, hiking, relaxing, and painting the blank canvas that's been sitting on my floor for months. Two in a half weeks and counting!